Logic ≠ Faith
At the end of the summer, I knew what made the most sense to me, becoming a Mormon! It just made sense, logically (as well as they are one of the denominations of Christians who stick extremely close to their doctrine, major respect to the love and dedication for family values).
As “fate” would have it that very night I ran into two Elders on a mission and I approached them to ask about the special underwear they had to wear for temple. They laughed and explained it to me, basically it’s a reminder of the many covenants they’ve made as well as protection against evil. Pretty interesting stuff! They made an appointment to visit with me later in the week and share their mission with me.
Well, after several meetings and both Elders (who were never alone with me as a single woman[I was 15] unless we were in an open setting) asking me to pray that I could believe Joseph Smith was a prophet, but the more it didn’t feel “real” to me. Upon more research and prayers, I just never felt the Spirit move in me during those prayers. But to be honest, I had never felt the Holy Spirit move me before. I gave up.
December 31, 1999, I attended a work party for my grandpas company. That’s when my life changed. I wandered off into a hallway, feeling empty, completely overwhelmed by loneliness and I found a dark corner. I dropped to my knees and I just sobbed. It was almost midnight. I had spent over six months trying to find my spirituality and failed. I cried out to God to show me something, please. I begged and suddenly this overwhelming sense of warmth and peace as if I was ACTUALLY being hugged surrounded me. God heard me say that He is the one true God and that through the sacrifice of his son Christ, Jesus that I could have salvation. I asked Christ to come into my heart that night.
So at this point I was pretty elated! I felt whole for the first time, maybe ever in my life! I was excited to share the news with my grandpa, since he was the one who set me on this path. He introduced me to one of his coworkers, she invited me to church. I went. I delved into the Word. It went with me EVERYWHERE. I mean school, cheer leading practice, track, lunch, home, and anywhere else I might head to. I began attending Assemblies of God church. I felt at home, more or less. Youth Group was just a social gathering, or teenagers doing things that they do, I guess, no interest in God.
I had been in this “Religious/Christian lifestyle” for basically my entire life, only now, I wanted it! The pastor was the husband of the woman who invited me to church. His words felt real and I was eager to spend more time with the word and enjoy fellowship with people who felt the way I did!
Then our pastor just disappeared. He became lost to the world. Members of the congregation say he was gambling and drinking. It as never the same after that.
Without realizing it the years slowly came by and I became lukewarm until I was only living in the world. A world of drinking, drugs, self-harm (again), depression, abuse, extreme highs and extreme lows. Promiscuity was not something I was doing, but I did have a boyfriend who had zero interest in doing anything more than partying with me and being wild for about 8 years and another one who I believed loved me and ended up providing me with drugs and more abuse. My life just spiraled away from me.